An Open Letter To My Neighbors

Warning: this post has a number of references to donkey kicking. I don’t normally use such harsh language, but I do feel quite strongly about this subject. If you are offended by donkey kicking, feel free to click away. You could go read about why Grover is bitter.

Dear Neighbors,

We all get along really, really well. Our neighborhood is generally very nice and peaceful. However, as the parent of a young child, it has recently come to my attention that many of you do not have children, or have not had young children for many years. I can only assume that either you are not aware of – or have forgotten – what it is like to have a small child. So, I’d like to put forth the following suggestions:

• If you blast loud music in your open car sitting out in your driveway after my baby has gone to bed, and it wakes her up, I will kick your ass.
• If your visitors, upon leaving your house after my baby has gone to bed, honk their car horns as they pull out of your driveway and it wakes her up, I will kick your ass.
• If you rev your car/lawnmower/ATV/motorcycle engine loud enough to be heard three counties away and it wakes my baby up, I will kick your ass.
• If you fire off illegal firecrackers or fireworks on any night except the Fourth of July and wake my baby up, I will kick your ass.
• If you cause my dogs to bark by walking your dog past my house after my baby has gone to bed and it wakes her up, I will not kick your ass. Since you are a much more conscientious dog owner than I am because you actually walk your dog, you can have mine. For free!

As you can see, these really are not hard rules to follow, all you have to do is be considerate of the fact that even though it does stay light quite late these days, my baby still needs to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Although I do truly enjoy rocking my baby to sleep, I don’t enjoy doing it several times every evening, or even worse: rocking her to sleep only to have her awakened the very moment I am tucking her in.

I am willing to compromise about the ass-kicking. Perhaps the offending party could come and rock my baby back to sleep for me? Or, really, I’m not above bribery – cash or dark chocolate might do the trick.

Thank you for your consideration,
Your loving neighbor
(…who is contemplating moving way out into the country, or at least somewhere cold enough to keep the windows shut all the time…)