Monthly Updates

Dear Carolyn,

Today you are officially 4-and-a-half.  You’ve made sure that everyone you see knows it, too!  When I told you this morning that it was your half birthday, you wanted to know if there would be cake.  I thought about it, but instead we settled for ice cream at Friendly’s after lunch.  Maybe next year I’ll figure out how to make you a half cake for your half birthday!

You are thrilled that the weather is getting nicer.  We’ve spent some time outside lately on your tricycle, blowing bubbles, drawing with chalk…I think you’d live outside all day long if I let you.  At the same time, you would probably be willing to watch TV for the entire day if I let you do that, too!  You now know how to work the entire setup we have – you can turn the TV on yourself, switch the receiver to the right mode, control the DVD player and the Tivo…so the next time one of your grandparents is over to watch you while Daddy and I go out you can be in charge of helping them use the TV!

Speaking of things you can do yourself, every day you are getting more independent.  In many ways, it’s good – I’m glad you’ll be able to use the bathroom entirely without help when you go to kindergarten, and once we figure out where to store some of your cups, plates and bowls so they’re within reach I think you could practically be independent for meals of breakfast cereal and pb & j.  In other ways…it’s not so good.  I’m terrified of the fact that you can open any (locked or unlocked) door leading out of this house, and that you’ve learned this month how to get around the extensive network of baby gates we have up.  You’ve used your new skills to get out of the house more than once without permission, and the scary part is that you really don’t get why that upsets us so much.  I think we’re going to have to put hook and eye latches on the outside doors…

You’re an amazingly wonderful big sister.  It’s cute (even though I do try to discourage it) to find you in your sister’s crib in the morning, plotting with her about how the two of you can best make me crazy that day.  You want so much for her to be your playmate, and can’t quite understand why she won’t do exactly what you want her to do.  I predict that in a couple of months you’ll have a little more success with her understanding your directions, though I also predict that she’s got quite the mind of her own and won’t necessarily want to do what you ask!

And even though we’ve had quite a bit of struggle lately, you and I, you are an amazing daugher as well.  You are working to gain your independence, and I am working to keep you safe.  Those two goals can’t always exist in harmony, and sometimes it feels like entire days are spent arguing over what you can and can’t do, and why you can or can’t do it.  I have faith we’ll figure it out, though, and no matter how rough a day we have, I will always, always love you.

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

You’re just a little closer to being 4 and a half. Now you tell everyone: “I’m four. Soon I’ll be four and a half. And in October I’ll be five!” Then you follow it up with “My mommy’s name is Sarah and my daddy’s name is Denis. And we have a baby and her name is Anna. My name is Carolyn and my middle name is Sylvia. And my last name is…” Pretty soon you’re going to be sharing our phone number and address!

Speaking of sharing, Anna has become mobile enough that she can get to whatever you are playing with if you’re playing on the floor. So I get to spend a fair amount of time moderating. But for the most part you’re really tolerant of her getting into your space and “messing up” whatever you’re doing.

You still can’t get enough of books and reading. Lately you’ve been reading a series of books about the weather fairies, and you are just so excited whenever you get a new one. One day when we went to pick out the next one at the bookstore, Anna fell asleep in her stroller. So we hung out for a little while in the store and you were just finishing up the last page of the book when it came time to check out – I had to steer you around while you walked with your nose stuck in the book!

You are still loving dance. Last week at the studio we were unexpectedly treated to a preview of one of the dances you’ll be doing at your first recital, and you were so serious and professional. I can tell you’ve really been working hard in class!

The other things you like to do right now include riding your tricycle, drawing and coloring on your easel, and playing with your dollhouse and ponies. Actually, there’s not a whole lot you don’t like to do, except sleep – you might miss something!

At this point you’ve decided you want to be a dancer, chef, mommy and fire fighter when you grow up. Last year around this time you were only planning to be a dancer and a chef, so you’ve expanded your plans a bit. I have no doubt that no matter what you want to be, if you put your mind to it you’ll be able to do it! Though I reserve the right to worry about you if you do decide to be a fire fighter…

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

I don’t know where the months go – I feel like I’m writing one of these letters to you every day. At the same time, as you’re getting older, not that much changes from month to month…

Sleep has been slightly better. I’m almost afraid to type that, but your bug phobia (which morphed briefly into a ghost phobia earlier this month) seems to be abating, and bedtime doesn’t involve quite so many bug (and ghost…and at one point ogre) checks.

I think part of your willingness to go to bed more easily has to do with your room. I finally got my act together and found you a real bookcase and – combined with a Rose Petal Cottage that Target had on sale after the holidays – I made you a little reading nook. Honestly, there have been several nights when I’ve gone in to check on you before I go to bed and you’re curled up in your cottage with the book you couldn’t quite finish before you passed out.

In the process of moving things around in your room, I wound up moving your old book and toy bin shelves into Anna’s room, along with several of the more baby appropriate toys…which didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped. Luckily, you decided that trashing Anna’s room with those toys is at least as much fun as trashing your own room with them! But it was a good reminder that even though you look and sound and act so grown up a lot of the time you’re really, truly, only four.

Sometimes I can actually see the conflict in your heart about growing up. You want to be so independent and do things all on your own – and you’re getting so good at doing things like getting dressed, getting your own glass of water, and pouring your own cereal – but in the next breath you want me to baby you and do everything for you. All I can say is that those conflicting feelings? I have them too. I love to watch you change and grow, but I will always miss the sleepy warm baby snuggled into my shoulder that I used to rock every night.

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

Today you are four-and-a-quarter. You wanted to know if that was almost like four-and-a-half, but it’s not. You should still tell people you’re four. Really, you only get to be four once, please try to enjoy it!

So, sleep. We talked about this last month. I thought maybe we’d found a solution with the sleep fairy CD, but after I posted about it last, you absolutely refused to listen to it that night. And the night after. And pretty much ever since then. But sometimes you do manage to sleep, except of course on those nights when you don’t.

You’re dealing with a slight (OK, maybe more than slight) bug phobia right now. To the point where we have to go upstairs and do “bug checks” multiple times before you’ll fall asleep, and you’ve woken me up out of a sound sleep several times screaming that there’s a bug crawling on you – in your hair, on your leg, wherever, and I have to check you all over (including getting out the comb and picking through your hair) to assure you that there are no bugs. From what I’ve read, this is quite normal at your age, to have a fear and have it be all-consuming. That doesn’t make the reality of it any easier – for either of us! No amount of reassurance that January is not a terribly bug-friendly month, or that bugs are so much smaller than us that we terrify them, or any such thing has worked so far.

But aside from that, things are great. You’re loving school, loving being a big sister, loving life in general. You really enjoy playing Animal Crossing on the Wii – actually, as games go it’s probably a great thing for you to play: there’s a lot of reading, some money management skills, and plenty of virtual gardening.

I’m still getting used to your short hair. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but I do look back at pictures of your long hair (especially in braids) and kind of miss it. But neither of us miss the tangles and the twice daily battle to try to get a brush through it. Daddy thinks your short hair makes you look younger, but I think it makes you look older. You definitely could pass for a kindergartner now. ;)

And speaking of kindergarten…I can’t believe I’m even starting to think about kindergarten for my baby girl, but here we are. Registration is just six weeks away, and I bet before I can say “my cute kindergartner” three times fast I’ll be putting you on the bus for your first day of school. I’m going to pretend I didn’t just type that, and go back to living in denial for the next few months of preschool. You know, the days can seem really long, but these years are flying by so fast it takes my breath away sometimes.

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

Today you are four years and two months old! It’s also your Grandma’s birthday, and Christmas Eve! You are so excited about Santa. I can hear you bouncing around upstairs, almost an hour after we put you to bed. But you have to realize one very important thing: Santa doesn’t come until everyone in the house is sleeping!

Sleep is one of those things that seem to be a struggle in every family with small children, and ours is no exception. Anna, for example, does not nap – even though she should. And you? You think you can manage with nine or ten hours of sleep in a night. Which is kind of like me managing on four or five hours of sleep. It can be done, but it doesn’t make for very pleasant days. The tough part is that instead of sleeping, you read. And I haven’t quite figured out on what planet a parent could possibly say “stop reading and go to bed!” Plus, since you’re related to me? It won’t work anyway. I used to sneak into my walk-in closet and turn on the light in there and read books until I fell asleep on a pile of clothes.

So our days have been kind of cranky lately – you’re cranky because you’re up late reading. I’m cranky because I’ve been up late knitting, wrapping, baking, cleaning and decorating. So it hasn’t been the calmest month we’ve ever had, and we have had more than a few meltdowns – both of us have. And Anna looks at us like we’re both nuts. (Which is probably true, but she’s related to us, so she’ll be a nut too, right?)

This month should be better. I promise to go bed at a reasonable hour each night so I can be a more pleasant mommy each day. And you’re going to go to bed earlier because tomorrow morning under the tree you will unwrap the gift of sleep: “The Sleep Fairy”, which is a guided relaxation CD for children. Here’s hoping it works, and that we can all sleep better for the new year!

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

Today I told you that I’ve been writing letters to you on my blog, for you to read when you’re older. I wanted to know if that was OK with you, or if you would want me to stop. Now I don’t expect that you know what exactly it means, that these letters are on my blog, but you did like the idea that I was writing them, so I’m going to keep writing to you for now.

This month has brought a whole new set of challenges. In some ways you are so very advanced: you’re reading chapter books on your own, you are a kind, compassionate, polite little girl, you are so smart it’s scary sometimes. None of that’s a bad thing – in fact, your Daddy and I are so incredibly proud of you.

But I think because of all that you’ve been exposed to ideas and concepts that you aren’t emotionally ready for. You’ve been worried a lot lately – about things like who you will marry when you’re older, other people (mostly kids) laughing at you for something you’ve done, worn or said, and even death…your own. It’s challenging to try to calm your fears while not giving you other things to worry about in their place. (Note to self: trying to explain heaven? Not so helpful.)

On a lighter note, you’ve overcome some pretty big challenges yourself this month. You had a little setback in remembering to use the potty when you needed to, but you got yourself back on track. You were also getting into the bad habit of chewing on your hair, but after realizing how hard it made it to get a brush through it, you made a conscious effort to stop doing it – as a semi-reformed nail biter I understand how hard it is to break habits like that!

And you really are such an extremely helpful, wonderful big sister. You heard Anna sneeze over the monitor one morning when you’d crawled into our bed sometime in the wee hours. I was not quite awake enough to get up, but you got out of bed, went into Anna’s room, and I heard you pull out a tissue and say “Here you go, baby!” – turns out you wiped your sister’s runny nose through the slats of the crib. Everyone keeps saying that things will change when Anna starts crawling and trying to play with your toys, but I really believe that if you’re pulling toys away from her it won’t be because you don’t want her to have them, but because you want to keep her safe.

And that brings us full circle… Carolyn, it’s my job to keep you safe, to worry about things so you don’t have to. I can’t pretend to know what your future holds, who you will marry – or if you even will. I can’t tell you that you won’t be laughed at. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that at some point in your life you will be. And no one knows how much time they have in life. The only thing that is certain is that we all die eventually – just hopefully not until we’ve lived full, rich lives. So, your job is to stop worrying, and instead enjoy every moment life has to offer you.

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

I’ve been pretty edgy and tense lately, and I think it’s because I was dreading today. I felt like my baby would be gone, and I’d be left with a big girl I hardly recognized…only, when you woke up this morning, you were still, well, you.

We had a fabulous day today. You started out with school, and had a little birthday party there, with chocolate pudding and a special story that I got to read (you picked Farmer Brown Shears His Sheep again – that was what you picked last year. I guess you like it!) After school we went to Wendy’s for lunch with your friend Joey, and then we went to Build-a-Bear, where you made a monkey…named “Potato”. Finally, we came home and Daddy and I made you a ham dinner (your request) and we had a pumpkin roll instead of a cake (don’t worry, the pink alligator cake is still on the menu for your party next weekend!) You got to open gifts, including the My Little Pony Teapot Palace you wanted so badly, and then you went to bed. Really, it was a wonderful, super day.

This past week I went through and read all the monthly letters I’d written to you up until now. It amazes me how much you’ve grown and changed. And it also amazes me how much I’ve grown and changed. I had no idea what being a mom really meant until you arrived, and although I still sometimes find parenting challenging, being your mom? That’s easy. Because no matter what, I love you.

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

One month left of year three…I’ve been telling people you’re “almost four” for so long now that in my head you’re already four. Actually, in my head I suspect you’re a lot older than that even. I keep worrying that I’ve missed giving you certain opportunities (piano lessons and sports teams) and then I realize that you still have years and years ahead of you to try out whatever you’re interested in before you have to settle down and figure out what you want to be when you grow up. (For the record, you’re pretty stuck on “firefighter” right now.)

So for the past few weeks, my “why” girl seems to have been replaced by a lightbulb. You are so full of “whats” lately – usually following any explanation I give you when you’ve asked “why”, first. I’m beginning to think you need your hearing checked!

And filed under “cute right now, but could potentially become obnoxious”, you’ve started stomping your foot and saying “no!” when you’re unhappy about whatever I’ve just said. I do have to struggle not to laugh at it, because pretty much immediately after you’ll become cooperative…you obviously want to please us, but you also want a bit more control over your life than you currently have. It’s a tough thing, kiddo. I still sometimes want to stomp my foot and say “no!” to life.

The other day I was struck by how very grown up you’ve become. It was after dance class, and we had to meet Daddy at the shop to get a few things done. You were wearing your purple sparkly leotard and a pair of purple sweat pants – you looked like a professional dancer. Daddy and I were both busy, and then after a bit I went to see what you were up to, and I found you – my shy-around-strangers girl – sitting right at the table with everyone who was there for Sit & Knit and knitting a few stitches on someone’s scarf (with her help, of course!) I think that’s why in my head you’re so much older. You’ve become so self-confident and out-going that you just seem like you can’t possibly still be three. So I’m going to remind myself every morning to enjoy this last month of you being three, because all too soon you’re going to be all grown up!

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

I blinked and another month went by! We’ve been managing to keep pretty busy, even with Anna taking up so much of our attention. We’ve been going to the farmer’s market, the library, playgroup, playdates…and I’d guess that has a lot to do with why the time is flying by so quickly. The end of summer is just around the corner, and it’s not too long before you go back to school!

You’re turning into a little comedienne: the other day you asked me, “Mommy, how do baby ducks learn to fly?” So I tried to give you a real answer, something about the mommy and daddy ducks showing the baby ducks how to flap their wings, etc, etc…and you got really indignant: “No, Mommy! How do baby ducks learn to FLY?!?” “Um, I don’t know honey, how do you think they learn to fly?” “They just wing it!” You’d think a few days later when you asked, “Mommy, why do birds fly south for the winter?” I would have realized you were making another joke instead of seriously asking. (The punchline, in case you don’t remember later, is “Because it’s too far to walk!” (Bah-dum-bum.))

We haven’t talked about your favorite toys lately, and there’s definitely been a shift recently. You are so into tiny little (choking-hazard-sized) toys now – itty-bitty Hello Kitty dolls, the tiny My Little Pony sets, and now…Barbie, along with all her tiny shoes and things. Gasp! (Just kidding, I have absolutely nothing against Barbie, I just didn’t expect you to want them so soon!) You also have a collection of Calico Critters living in your room, although I left the upstairs gate open one evening while we were out and Molly (apparently) ate half of them. No matter what I give you to play with, you wind up role playing. Two cars? One’s the mommy and the other is the kid. A box of crayons? They more often end up dancing and talking than actually marking any paper. It’s really interesting to eavesdrop on this kind of play, because it usually reflects what’s going on in your life – the good and the not-so-good.

You’re really settling into the big sister role now. Anna smiles at you a lot, because you get right in her face and talk to her, sing to her and shake toys for her. I feel like I’m constantly telling you to be gentle, not wake Anna, wash the peanut butter off your hands, and keep your voice somewhat quieter than banshee-level, but most of the time you are just trying to help…just maybe a bit enthusiastically. I can’t wait until Anna’s a bit bigger and more interactive, because watching you with her now fills me with joy, and it will only get better – until Anna starts trying to play with your toys, of course! You really are my sweet, wonderful little girl. I love you.

Love, Mommy

Dear Carolyn,

Today you are 3 and 3/4 years old! To say that a lot has changed in your life this month would be a little bit of an understatement. You’ve gone from being an only child to being a great big sister – and while we haven’t gotten all the details sorted out about that, you’re adapting better than anyone could have predicted. But you haven’t only become a big sister this month, let’s see what else has happened…

You amazed me the other day when I pulled out a deck of sight word flash cards for ages 6 and up, and you read all but maybe 15 of the 150+ words. You didn’t sound them out, you just read them. I don’t know why I found it so incredible, since you were practically reading all of “One Fish, Two Fish” a couple of weeks ago, but I guess I’d talked myself into believing you’d memorized the book after we read it to you a couple of times. Not so. You are officially reading, and acting like it’s the most normal thing in the world for you to be doing.

Lately everything has been about you turning four. I think it’s because you’ve been to a couple of birthday parties over the past few weeks, but you’re obsessed with turning four. When we ask you if you want to try a new food, you say “no thank you, but when I’m four I will like it!” You somehow got it into your head that you have to be four before you start preschool in the fall – although you don’t, and won’t, but we’ll have to deal with that closer to when school starts. Oh, and at the moment, you want an alligator cake for your birthday. I’m kind of hoping you change your mind, since I’m not quite sure how to make an alligator cake, but if you insist we’ll figure it out!

So about this big sister gig. I have to admit, when we first got home with Anna, your exuberance and energy was overwhelming to me. It took a few days for me to realize that you were just trying very hard to make sure you still had an important place in our family. It’s going to take us all a little while to figure out how to be a family of four instead of a family of three, but you will always be as special and important as you were before Anna joined us. I promise.

Love, Mommy